Sunday, April 3, 2011
Dad passed away on a Tuesday morning at 12:15am, September 29th 2009. He remained comfortable during his last full day. He seemed to be in little to no pain. He was surrounded by this family. The last few moments were punctuated by random breathing, just a few per minute. After his last breath he furled his brow then he was gone, that was the only expression change he had all day.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sorry
It's been so long since I have made an entry. so much to say so little time to say it. In the time since I've last made an entry I put dad in a home, he's fallen and admitted into the hospital, he's become agressive with his new caregivers and the other residents, he's bitten a caregiver. Just so much to say so little time to say it.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Judge Jury and Lawyer
Monday dad was an attorney; or was he the Judge? Actually I think he was the Judge the jury and the lawyer. He had the whole trial goin' on in the kitchen while I was trying to make dinner. I don't know how he got on this one; actually I don't know how he gets on any of these rants but that's part of the mystery isn't it?
I worked from home on Monday as usual. While my housekeeper was busy cleaning up the mess we always make (thanks Tammy) dad is left to his own delusions. He wanders around the house, looking outside, occasionally going outside to have a look around the perimeter but mostly stays indoors just walking from room to room; checking doors, light switches, the kitchen cabinets and the refrigerator. Tammy has the house down to a science now, she can have this place in tip top shape by a little after noon. At that time dads downstairs by himself and typically nods off in a chair.
I think that is where most of his delusions start. His brain is running around dreaming up things and what ever he dreams of is his new reality. He can't distinguish between what is real and what was a dream. I've seen him do it in the car on long drives. It reminds me of a sleeping dog that is dreaming about chasing butterfly's or something. I've seen dad turning his head and moving his hands and legs as if he reacting something. Its all pretty interesting and disturbing all at the same time. By the time he opens his eyes there's no difference between his recent dream state and his now conscience state in his mind. Regardless of how they start they are there most predominately by the late afternoon, especially if he's left alone most of the day. Which is typically the case on Mondays.
I think his new living situation will help him with this. He'll have people to talk too all the time. Whether that be another resident or a staff worker. Funny story, the director shared with me the other day, the home where Pops is going and has been going to daycare has a dinning area, it looks much like a small cafe with a serving area for the staff to serve up the meals and several tables where the residents sit. While the setting is not assigned the residents always sit in the same place every day. The Director told me the table where dad sits is the most active table where the residents are the most vocal. She tell me they carry on conversations with each other all meal long. Each has a different conversation but they are reacting to each other and either laughing if they thought something was funny or reacting in surprise if they think something is shocking. Really pretty damn funny if you think about it. Six seniors all sharing a meal together all in conversation about different subjects. Reminds me of our day yesterday at his brothers house. We would be talking about something, one of our cousins families or work or something then dad would chime in about something completely unrelated. We would all just smile and say "yup, you go that right".
I worked from home on Monday as usual. While my housekeeper was busy cleaning up the mess we always make (thanks Tammy) dad is left to his own delusions. He wanders around the house, looking outside, occasionally going outside to have a look around the perimeter but mostly stays indoors just walking from room to room; checking doors, light switches, the kitchen cabinets and the refrigerator. Tammy has the house down to a science now, she can have this place in tip top shape by a little after noon. At that time dads downstairs by himself and typically nods off in a chair.
I think that is where most of his delusions start. His brain is running around dreaming up things and what ever he dreams of is his new reality. He can't distinguish between what is real and what was a dream. I've seen him do it in the car on long drives. It reminds me of a sleeping dog that is dreaming about chasing butterfly's or something. I've seen dad turning his head and moving his hands and legs as if he reacting something. Its all pretty interesting and disturbing all at the same time. By the time he opens his eyes there's no difference between his recent dream state and his now conscience state in his mind. Regardless of how they start they are there most predominately by the late afternoon, especially if he's left alone most of the day. Which is typically the case on Mondays.
I think his new living situation will help him with this. He'll have people to talk too all the time. Whether that be another resident or a staff worker. Funny story, the director shared with me the other day, the home where Pops is going and has been going to daycare has a dinning area, it looks much like a small cafe with a serving area for the staff to serve up the meals and several tables where the residents sit. While the setting is not assigned the residents always sit in the same place every day. The Director told me the table where dad sits is the most active table where the residents are the most vocal. She tell me they carry on conversations with each other all meal long. Each has a different conversation but they are reacting to each other and either laughing if they thought something was funny or reacting in surprise if they think something is shocking. Really pretty damn funny if you think about it. Six seniors all sharing a meal together all in conversation about different subjects. Reminds me of our day yesterday at his brothers house. We would be talking about something, one of our cousins families or work or something then dad would chime in about something completely unrelated. We would all just smile and say "yup, you go that right".
Monday, March 30, 2009
T minus 36 hours
Pops moves in 36 hours exactly. The last two days have been hellacious. I wonder if this is Gods way of telling me that there will be relief.
With dads move coming up I thought it would be important that we go visit his brother Lyle in Orange County. I had this feeling that if we don't do it now two patriarchs of this family will never see each other again. His brother has come over several time in the year and three months my dad has lived with me but he hasn't been here in five months. He has called once maybe twice during that time and on one of those calls told me he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. His wife my aunt Helen accompanied him on there last trip in October. I was thinking with his disabling condition driving from Orange is getting harder and harder even if she drives.
I called my brother to make the arrangement if possible for a visit last weekend. I got a call from last week and he told me he called and talked with Lyle but they weren't up for a visit. It was a little heartbroken to say the least. But the next morning I get a voice mail message from my brother telling me Lyle called back and he talked it over with Helen and they changed their mind. Maybe because of the very reason I thought it would be important for the visit in the first place, maybe not, but I didn't ask, I was just grateful they did.
We agreed that Sunday who be good so a half and hour before we were to leave I grab a clean shirt for dad so he would look presentable. I started looking around the house but I couldn't find him initially. Then he poked his head around the corning where he was hiding in the kitchen. He had this look in his eye, confusion, I cant describe it. So I told him I wanted him to change his shirt. He was adamant that he wasn't going to do it. "No", he said "it's wrong, I won't do it, I won't it it's wrong". This shirt was stained and dirty and he had wiped something all over the front of it so there was no way I was going to let him out out in public looking like that. I "wrestled" the shirt off of him all the time he screamed bloody murder. Getting the new shirt on him became impossible. I just figured I'll just put the clean shirt in the car and he can wear the t-shirt he had on for the trip down there. The only problem was he wasn't going to go without a fight. I pushed him out the door telling him we have to go, we have to go see Lyle your bother. He screamed and fought me the entire time. I tired to get him into the car but he was in a psychotic state of mind and wouldn't budge. His skin torn in all the commotion so I had to get bandages to put on this cut, my shirt had blood on it and I about had it. I am not sure if its his age, something in his medication, or what but his skin tears with the slightest touch or pressure. He's always bleeding from bumping into something or rubbing the wrong way or what ever, Its bad. I called my brother and who I was going to meet at our uncles house and told him what was going on and asked him to stop by and help with dad. Pops was praying to god at his point for what I don't recall but I used that to my advantage. I need to get him medicated with his anxiety meds to help the situation. I said God wants you to take this pill and pop said, "he does?". I said yes .. and he wants you to put this shirt on too. So he took his pill and put the damn shirt on. Then I said, you want to go see you brother Lyle? He was agreeable to that too. So before he could change his mind I had him in the car and I called my brother to let him know the situation changed and we were on the road.
We arrived at my uncles home. I hadn't been there in probably 15 if not 20 years. As a young family we would split the holidays between my parents house and my uncles house. So we had a lot of family gathering at this home. The place was just as I remember. We walked up to the door and rang the bell. Aunt Helen answered and I pushed dad toward the door and she greeted him warmly as always. Pops was all smiles now. I followed him in and gave my aunt a hug. I turned and saw my Uncle Lyle and my heart sank. He called me the day before to ask how many would be coming and if we should make reservations and on that call he said, "you're not going to recognize me, I have lot 60 lbs. The doctors have done full body scans and I'm cancer free and they are sure why the weight loss". Even with that warning I wasn't quite prepare for the gaunt man I was greeting. I felt bad for how I felt but I couldn't help it and I made sure my shock didn't show on my face.
We spent a good hour sitting in the living room catching up on all the latest. Their two sons and all the grand kids what everyone was up to and how everyone was doing. Dad the whole time couldn't follow the conversation, didn't expect him to. He kept saying I took a hell of a beating, the guy came at me with his fist clinched like two can hams. He was referring to me trying to get his shirt changed and he him in the car. We would change the subject and talk about other family matters but pops would chime in about this fight he had just been in. We decided to go to a restaurant in town and I decided to drive Helen and Lyle and Dad would go with my brother. My bother drives an SUV and I drive a wagon we figured it would be difficult for Lyle to climb into the SUV. On the drive over Lyle says to me .... He doesn't know who I am. I said are you sure? Knowing he was right, he said "I'm sure". He was right alright on at least one occurrence I heard pops say to Lyle, "well, it was nice to meet you".
With dads move coming up I thought it would be important that we go visit his brother Lyle in Orange County. I had this feeling that if we don't do it now two patriarchs of this family will never see each other again. His brother has come over several time in the year and three months my dad has lived with me but he hasn't been here in five months. He has called once maybe twice during that time and on one of those calls told me he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. His wife my aunt Helen accompanied him on there last trip in October. I was thinking with his disabling condition driving from Orange is getting harder and harder even if she drives.
I called my brother to make the arrangement if possible for a visit last weekend. I got a call from last week and he told me he called and talked with Lyle but they weren't up for a visit. It was a little heartbroken to say the least. But the next morning I get a voice mail message from my brother telling me Lyle called back and he talked it over with Helen and they changed their mind. Maybe because of the very reason I thought it would be important for the visit in the first place, maybe not, but I didn't ask, I was just grateful they did.
We agreed that Sunday who be good so a half and hour before we were to leave I grab a clean shirt for dad so he would look presentable. I started looking around the house but I couldn't find him initially. Then he poked his head around the corning where he was hiding in the kitchen. He had this look in his eye, confusion, I cant describe it. So I told him I wanted him to change his shirt. He was adamant that he wasn't going to do it. "No", he said "it's wrong, I won't do it, I won't it it's wrong". This shirt was stained and dirty and he had wiped something all over the front of it so there was no way I was going to let him out out in public looking like that. I "wrestled" the shirt off of him all the time he screamed bloody murder. Getting the new shirt on him became impossible. I just figured I'll just put the clean shirt in the car and he can wear the t-shirt he had on for the trip down there. The only problem was he wasn't going to go without a fight. I pushed him out the door telling him we have to go, we have to go see Lyle your bother. He screamed and fought me the entire time. I tired to get him into the car but he was in a psychotic state of mind and wouldn't budge. His skin torn in all the commotion so I had to get bandages to put on this cut, my shirt had blood on it and I about had it. I am not sure if its his age, something in his medication, or what but his skin tears with the slightest touch or pressure. He's always bleeding from bumping into something or rubbing the wrong way or what ever, Its bad. I called my brother and who I was going to meet at our uncles house and told him what was going on and asked him to stop by and help with dad. Pops was praying to god at his point for what I don't recall but I used that to my advantage. I need to get him medicated with his anxiety meds to help the situation. I said God wants you to take this pill and pop said, "he does?". I said yes .. and he wants you to put this shirt on too. So he took his pill and put the damn shirt on. Then I said, you want to go see you brother Lyle? He was agreeable to that too. So before he could change his mind I had him in the car and I called my brother to let him know the situation changed and we were on the road.
We arrived at my uncles home. I hadn't been there in probably 15 if not 20 years. As a young family we would split the holidays between my parents house and my uncles house. So we had a lot of family gathering at this home. The place was just as I remember. We walked up to the door and rang the bell. Aunt Helen answered and I pushed dad toward the door and she greeted him warmly as always. Pops was all smiles now. I followed him in and gave my aunt a hug. I turned and saw my Uncle Lyle and my heart sank. He called me the day before to ask how many would be coming and if we should make reservations and on that call he said, "you're not going to recognize me, I have lot 60 lbs. The doctors have done full body scans and I'm cancer free and they are sure why the weight loss". Even with that warning I wasn't quite prepare for the gaunt man I was greeting. I felt bad for how I felt but I couldn't help it and I made sure my shock didn't show on my face.
We spent a good hour sitting in the living room catching up on all the latest. Their two sons and all the grand kids what everyone was up to and how everyone was doing. Dad the whole time couldn't follow the conversation, didn't expect him to. He kept saying I took a hell of a beating, the guy came at me with his fist clinched like two can hams. He was referring to me trying to get his shirt changed and he him in the car. We would change the subject and talk about other family matters but pops would chime in about this fight he had just been in. We decided to go to a restaurant in town and I decided to drive Helen and Lyle and Dad would go with my brother. My bother drives an SUV and I drive a wagon we figured it would be difficult for Lyle to climb into the SUV. On the drive over Lyle says to me .... He doesn't know who I am. I said are you sure? Knowing he was right, he said "I'm sure". He was right alright on at least one occurrence I heard pops say to Lyle, "well, it was nice to meet you".
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
days
The last few days have been really really bad. There have been occasions where he doesn't know who I am but now it seems like a constant state. He has no idea where he is and whats going on. He's scared.
We went to the doctors the other day. He has a new doctor a younger woman. I asked about this previous doctor and she said that hes no longer practicing. He's only in his early 40's who gives up medicine in their early 40's? Regardless he was sick of the BS from the group, the regulations and insurance. I think she'll do OK for him. She asked all the right questions and of course I answered them for dad, he had to clue.
His move in date is coming April 1st. I need to contacts pops brother and let him know. I am going to try to get them together before he goes in because who knows if they'll have another chance. Life is fleeting.
We went to the doctors the other day. He has a new doctor a younger woman. I asked about this previous doctor and she said that hes no longer practicing. He's only in his early 40's who gives up medicine in their early 40's? Regardless he was sick of the BS from the group, the regulations and insurance. I think she'll do OK for him. She asked all the right questions and of course I answered them for dad, he had to clue.
His move in date is coming April 1st. I need to contacts pops brother and let him know. I am going to try to get them together before he goes in because who knows if they'll have another chance. Life is fleeting.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Well good morning sir
I need to buy one of those little digital recorders so I can tape record some of his ramblings. They are incredible. Its really hard to describe what its like trying to talk with him. The only thing that I can think of that may give a sense as to what it's like would be listening to someone talk about six different subjects in one sentence and none of those have any basis in reality. Its genuinely maddening. On many occasions I just have to turn to him and ask him just to stop talking. "Dad, stop talkin please". I know that sounds mean but its the only thing I can think to do to stop the screaming in my own head.
He woke me up at 3:30 this morning as I heard him downstairs. I ignored it for the longest time but I had to go investigate. I found him in the living room on the couch trying to cover up with cushions. I woke him up and got him back into bed, which by the way is only 20 ft from where he attempt to go back to sleep.
After getting up this morning for good (I went back to bed but never went back to sleep) I went to to make the morning coffee. The signs of dads kitchen run in the middle of the night were apparent. Cans of diced tomatoes all over the kitchen counter and island, soda cracks remnants all over, a half piece of bacon in the kitchen sink (cooked bacon thank god). But the coup de gras was, well ... you know those decorative decanters that people used to have in the kitchen in the 90's? They were filled with vinegar or oil and had peppers or herbs floating in them? They're sealed with wax and usually had some twine or charm or something hanging around the neck of the decanter. ... do I need to go on? I think you know what I'm referring too. I found a kitchen knife next to one of those (yes I still have five of those decanters in my kitchen because my style is not up to date ... don't judge me!) the wax had need carved off at least an attempted carving. I only thank God that he wasn't successful in getting the lid off. Heaven know what would have happened to him if he had eaten a few of those peppers. They have been floating around in that vinegar for ten years perhaps.
Well .... the coffees good this morning anyway.
He woke me up at 3:30 this morning as I heard him downstairs. I ignored it for the longest time but I had to go investigate. I found him in the living room on the couch trying to cover up with cushions. I woke him up and got him back into bed, which by the way is only 20 ft from where he attempt to go back to sleep.
After getting up this morning for good (I went back to bed but never went back to sleep) I went to to make the morning coffee. The signs of dads kitchen run in the middle of the night were apparent. Cans of diced tomatoes all over the kitchen counter and island, soda cracks remnants all over, a half piece of bacon in the kitchen sink (cooked bacon thank god). But the coup de gras was, well ... you know those decorative decanters that people used to have in the kitchen in the 90's? They were filled with vinegar or oil and had peppers or herbs floating in them? They're sealed with wax and usually had some twine or charm or something hanging around the neck of the decanter. ... do I need to go on? I think you know what I'm referring too. I found a kitchen knife next to one of those (yes I still have five of those decanters in my kitchen because my style is not up to date ... don't judge me!) the wax had need carved off at least an attempted carving. I only thank God that he wasn't successful in getting the lid off. Heaven know what would have happened to him if he had eaten a few of those peppers. They have been floating around in that vinegar for ten years perhaps.
Well .... the coffees good this morning anyway.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I'm lost
I just wrote a check for $3,000 to help pops into an assisted living facility. I have written dozens of checks for greater amounts in my life time but never one more difficult. I knew this day would come but I thought we would have a few more month. I keep telling myself its not like I'm shipping him off, it's more like he's getting an apartment close by. Which in reality is exactly what happening.
The place where he goes to during the day is the place where he will be living soon. They had two apartments left and I was fearful that if I waited any longer it might be a long long time before I could get him in if there was an urgent need. They have a guest speaker coming who specializes i Alzheimer's Dementia and according to sources when he speaks at a facilities they fills up quickly and a waiting list is created. In addition to that long term issue I have a short term need. This is also the same place I took Pops when I had to go to Bothell WA a few months ago for business. This is coming up again next month after the time which the speaker is scheduled and once those room are gone they can not offer respite care. So the hand was forced and I didn't see any alternative. Believe me I looked.
I will not talk to Pops about it, there isn't any point in doing that. I will have to talk to his brother and inform him of the decision. His brother lives in close by Orange. He would make it out here to visit with his wife every few months but hasn't been here in four or so months. More than likely to do his recent diagnosis of Parkinson's. As dad always say to me, "Jeff, don't get old".
Dad's soon to be new home: http://www.aegisliving.com/aegis_lifes_neighborhood
The place where he goes to during the day is the place where he will be living soon. They had two apartments left and I was fearful that if I waited any longer it might be a long long time before I could get him in if there was an urgent need. They have a guest speaker coming who specializes i Alzheimer's Dementia and according to sources when he speaks at a facilities they fills up quickly and a waiting list is created. In addition to that long term issue I have a short term need. This is also the same place I took Pops when I had to go to Bothell WA a few months ago for business. This is coming up again next month after the time which the speaker is scheduled and once those room are gone they can not offer respite care. So the hand was forced and I didn't see any alternative. Believe me I looked.
I will not talk to Pops about it, there isn't any point in doing that. I will have to talk to his brother and inform him of the decision. His brother lives in close by Orange. He would make it out here to visit with his wife every few months but hasn't been here in four or so months. More than likely to do his recent diagnosis of Parkinson's. As dad always say to me, "Jeff, don't get old".
Dad's soon to be new home: http://www.aegisliving.com/aegis_lifes_neighborhood
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