Sorry

It's been so long since I have made an entry. so much to say so little time to say it. In the time since I've last made an entry I put dad in a home, he's fallen and admitted into the hospital, he's become agressive with his new caregivers and the other residents, he's bitten a caregiver. Just so much to say so little time to say it.

Judge Jury and Lawyer

Monday dad was an attorney; or was he the Judge? Actually I think he was the Judge the jury and the lawyer. He had the whole trial goin' on in the kitchen while I was trying to make dinner. I don't know how he got on this one; actually I don't know how he gets on any of these rants but that's part of the mystery isn't it?

I worked from home on Monday as usual. While my housekeeper was busy cleaning up the mess we always make (thanks Tammy) dad is left to his own delusions. He wanders around the house, looking outside, occasionally going outside to have a look around the perimeter but mostly stays indoors just walking from room to room; checking doors, light switches, the kitchen cabinets and the refrigerator. Tammy has the house down to a science now, she can have this place in tip top shape by a little after noon. At that time dads downstairs by himself and typically nods off in a chair.


I think that is where most of his delusions start. His brain is running around dreaming up things and what ever he dreams of is his new reality. He can't distinguish between what is real and what was a dream. I've seen him do it in the car on long drives. It reminds me of a sleeping dog that is dreaming about chasing butterfly's or something. I've seen dad turning his head and moving his hands and legs as if he reacting something. Its all pretty interesting and disturbing all at the same time. By the time he opens his eyes there's no difference between his recent dream state and his now conscience state in his mind. Regardless of how they start they are there most predominately by the late afternoon, especially if he's left alone most of the day. Which is typically the case on Mondays.

I think his new living situation will help him with this. He'll have people to talk too all the time. Whether that be another resident or a staff worker. Funny story, the director shared with me the other day, the home where Pops is going and has been going to daycare has a dinning area, it looks much like a small cafe with a serving area for the staff to serve up the meals and several tables where the residents sit. While the setting is not assigned the residents always sit in the same place every day. The Director told me the table where dad sits is the most active table where the residents are the most vocal. She tell me they carry on conversations with each other all meal long. Each has a different conversation but they are reacting to each other and either laughing if they thought something was funny or reacting in surprise if they think something is shocking. Really pretty damn funny if you think about it. Six seniors all sharing a meal together all in conversation about different subjects. Reminds me of our day yesterday at his brothers house. We would be talking about something, one of our cousins families or work or something then dad would chime in about something completely unrelated. We would all just smile and say "yup, you go that right".

T minus 36 hours

Pops moves in 36 hours exactly. The last two days have been hellacious. I wonder if this is Gods way of telling me that there will be relief.

With dads move coming up I thought it would be important that we go visit his brother Lyle in Orange County. I had this feeling that if we don't do it now two patriarchs of this family will never see each other again. His brother has come over several time in the year and three months my dad has lived with me but he hasn't been here in five months. He has called once maybe twice during that time and on one of those calls told me he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. His wife my aunt Helen accompanied him on there last trip in October. I was thinking with his disabling condition driving from Orange is getting harder and harder even if she drives.

I called my brother to make the arrangement if possible for a visit last weekend. I got a call from last week and he told me he called and talked with Lyle but they weren't up for a visit. It was a little heartbroken to say the least. But the next morning I get a voice mail message from my brother telling me Lyle called back and he talked it over with Helen and they changed their mind. Maybe because of the very reason I thought it would be important for the visit in the first place, maybe not, but I didn't ask, I was just grateful they did.

We agreed that Sunday who be good so a half and hour before we were to leave I grab a clean shirt for dad so he would look presentable. I started looking around the house but I couldn't find him initially. Then he poked his head around the corning where he was hiding in the kitchen. He had this look in his eye, confusion, I cant describe it. So I told him I wanted him to change his shirt. He was adamant that he wasn't going to do it. "No", he said "it's wrong, I won't do it, I won't it it's wrong". This shirt was stained and dirty and he had wiped something all over the front of it so there was no way I was going to let him out out in public looking like that. I "wrestled" the shirt off of him all the time he screamed bloody murder. Getting the new shirt on him became impossible. I just figured I'll just put the clean shirt in the car and he can wear the t-shirt he had on for the trip down there. The only problem was he wasn't going to go without a fight. I pushed him out the door telling him we have to go, we have to go see Lyle your bother. He screamed and fought me the entire time. I tired to get him into the car but he was in a psychotic state of mind and wouldn't budge. His skin torn in all the commotion so I had to get bandages to put on this cut, my shirt had blood on it and I about had it. I am not sure if its his age, something in his medication, or what but his skin tears with the slightest touch or pressure. He's always bleeding from bumping into something or rubbing the wrong way or what ever, Its bad. I called my brother and who I was going to meet at our uncles house and told him what was going on and asked him to stop by and help with dad. Pops was praying to god at his point for what I don't recall but I used that to my advantage. I need to get him medicated with his anxiety meds to help the situation. I said God wants you to take this pill and pop said, "he does?". I said yes .. and he wants you to put this shirt on too. So he took his pill and put the damn shirt on. Then I said, you want to go see you brother Lyle? He was agreeable to that too. So before he could change his mind I had him in the car and I called my brother to let him know the situation changed and we were on the road.

We arrived at my uncles home. I hadn't been there in probably 15 if not 20 years. As a young family we would split the holidays between my parents house and my uncles house. So we had a lot of family gathering at this home. The place was just as I remember. We walked up to the door and rang the bell. Aunt Helen answered and I pushed dad toward the door and she greeted him warmly as always. Pops was all smiles now. I followed him in and gave my aunt a hug. I turned and saw my Uncle Lyle and my heart sank. He called me the day before to ask how many would be coming and if we should make reservations and on that call he said, "you're not going to recognize me, I have lot 60 lbs. The doctors have done full body scans and I'm cancer free and they are sure why the weight loss". Even with that warning I wasn't quite prepare for the gaunt man I was greeting. I felt bad for how I felt but I couldn't help it and I made sure my shock didn't show on my face.

We spent a good hour sitting in the living room catching up on all the latest. Their two sons and all the grand kids what everyone was up to and how everyone was doing. Dad the whole time couldn't follow the conversation, didn't expect him to. He kept saying I took a hell of a beating, the guy came at me with his fist clinched like two can hams. He was referring to me trying to get his shirt changed and he him in the car. We would change the subject and talk about other family matters but pops would chime in about this fight he had just been in. We decided to go to a restaurant in town and I decided to drive Helen and Lyle and Dad would go with my brother. My bother drives an SUV and I drive a wagon we figured it would be difficult for Lyle to climb into the SUV. On the drive over Lyle says to me .... He doesn't know who I am. I said are you sure? Knowing he was right, he said "I'm sure". He was right alright on at least one occurrence I heard pops say to Lyle, "well, it was nice to meet you".

days

The last few days have been really really bad. There have been occasions where he doesn't know who I am but now it seems like a constant state. He has no idea where he is and whats going on. He's scared.

We went to the doctors the other day. He has a new doctor a younger woman. I asked about this previous doctor and she said that hes no longer practicing. He's only in his early 40's who gives up medicine in their early 40's? Regardless he was sick of the BS from the group, the regulations and insurance. I think she'll do OK for him. She asked all the right questions and of course I answered them for dad, he had to clue.

His move in date is coming April 1st. I need to contacts pops brother and let him know. I am going to try to get them together before he goes in because who knows if they'll have another chance. Life is fleeting.

Well good morning sir

I need to buy one of those little digital recorders so I can tape record some of his ramblings. They are incredible. Its really hard to describe what its like trying to talk with him. The only thing that I can think of that may give a sense as to what it's like would be listening to someone talk about six different subjects in one sentence and none of those have any basis in reality. Its genuinely maddening. On many occasions I just have to turn to him and ask him just to stop talking. "Dad, stop talkin please". I know that sounds mean but its the only thing I can think to do to stop the screaming in my own head.

He woke me up at 3:30 this morning as I heard him downstairs. I ignored it for the longest time but I had to go investigate. I found him in the living room on the couch trying to cover up with cushions. I woke him up and got him back into bed, which by the way is only 20 ft from where he attempt to go back to sleep.

After getting up this morning for good (I went back to bed but never went back to sleep) I went to to make the morning coffee. The signs of dads kitchen run in the middle of the night were apparent. Cans of diced tomatoes all over the kitchen counter and island, soda cracks remnants all over, a half piece of bacon in the kitchen sink (cooked bacon thank god). But the coup de gras was, well ... you know those decorative decanters that people used to have in the kitchen in the 90's? They were filled with vinegar or oil and had peppers or herbs floating in them? They're sealed with wax and usually had some twine or charm or something hanging around the neck of the decanter. ... do I need to go on? I think you know what I'm referring too. I found a kitchen knife next to one of those (yes I still have five of those decanters in my kitchen because my style is not up to date ... don't judge me!) the wax had need carved off at least an attempted carving. I only thank God that he wasn't successful in getting the lid off. Heaven know what would have happened to him if he had eaten a few of those peppers. They have been floating around in that vinegar for ten years perhaps.

Well .... the coffees good this morning anyway.

I'm lost

I just wrote a check for $3,000 to help pops into an assisted living facility. I have written dozens of checks for greater amounts in my life time but never one more difficult. I knew this day would come but I thought we would have a few more month. I keep telling myself its not like I'm shipping him off, it's more like he's getting an apartment close by. Which in reality is exactly what happening.

The place where he goes to during the day is the place where he will be living soon. They had two apartments left and I was fearful that if I waited any longer it might be a long long time before I could get him in if there was an urgent need. They have a guest speaker coming who specializes i Alzheimer's Dementia and according to sources when he speaks at a facilities they fills up quickly and a waiting list is created. In addition to that long term issue I have a short term need. This is also the same place I took Pops when I had to go to Bothell WA a few months ago for business. This is coming up again next month after the time which the speaker is scheduled and once those room are gone they can not offer respite care. So the hand was forced and I didn't see any alternative. Believe me I looked.

I will not talk to Pops about it, there isn't any point in doing that. I will have to talk to his brother and inform him of the decision. His brother lives in close by Orange. He would make it out here to visit with his wife every few months but hasn't been here in four or so months. More than likely to do his recent diagnosis of Parkinson's. As dad always say to me, "Jeff, don't get old".

Dad's soon to be new home: http://www.aegisliving.com/aegis_lifes_neighborhood

You killed my husband? oh shit!

After a particularly bad weekend why would I be surprised. Maybe because yesterday wasn't all that bad and I was able to take a breath. Regardless today off to a grand one. Its Tuesday and he's back at the daycare which give me a needed break. I was surprised he wasn't up yet this morning when I went downstairs at 7:30 this morning. I actually had to wake him up at 8:00 to get things going. His first comment to me when I woke him up was "oh, what a night". I didn't question it, I just had to get him going and get myself together to get out to door as soon as possible. I made the mistake of asking him on the drive to the facility, "so you had a bad night ... what happened". I killed a man last night. Like an idiot instead of saying "oh, that's nice". I said who did you kill? ... "Your husband" he says. Ahhhh dad, I'm a guy and I'm not gay. He says, "I know what you are". Normally I would have jump all over this statement but I decided not to feed into his current mind set. I did say. "so how did you kill him?". He responded, "the usual way". The usual way? The usual way? there is a usual way of killing a man? I asked, "so whats the usual way dad?" He said, "I spit at him and I didn't know there was a bullet at the end of my spit".

Jocky Shorts and Kangaroos

I had to leave dad at home today. That is home alone. The last time I did this he ended up locking himself in a car parked in the driveway. My daughter was the last person driving the car and didn't lock it up when she parked. He got in and locked the door and couldn't figure out how to get out. The Orkin man found him and went and called a neighbor.

Today I had to leave him home alone because we are switching daycare providers. He starts there tomorrow. He has been to the new place, its where to stayed when I had business meetings in Seattle. Whether he'll remember that doesn't really matter, it will all be forgotten before too long.

I got home from my daily calls at 1:15 this afternoon. He is in good shape. Actually he tells me things went great today. They sold a bunch of Kangaroos to the Disney company. I didn't ask how much they charged but I'm sure the answer would have been interesting. Bad news though my distribution guy (?) called, he's in the warehouse and doesn't have any pants. He wants me to bring him some pants because he only has on his Jockey shorts.

By the afternoon, we're being sued! By whom? None other than that young man of course. And who is "defending" the young man? Me of course. After all these years why now? Why would he sue now? Of course I shouldn't have to say but it's all a delusion. I think the old guy nods off and what ever squirms around in his cranium when he wakes is this next real life issue. Just a theory but I've seen it happen. Well, I don't see whats in his head but I've seen him wake up from sitting in the chair nap to some altered reality.

Decisions Desisions

I'm afraid the time is coming soon for me make a decision to place pops in a home. The stress of work, adult daycare, and his mental state are rapidly affecting my own health. To think of him in such an environment is difficult. He's my father, not an invalid. Its hard to think of a parent in that way.

I am neither young or old but 47 is too young (I think) to have a parent in an "old folks home". I remember my father well into his sixties when my grandmother was starting to lose her grip on reality. Here I am ten years after she pasted away having to deal with my father in a state of mind much worse than my grandmothers state when she passed away. I think dad was the lucky one. Grandmother broker her hip and never made it out of the nursing home. Her dementia was far less debilitating than my fathers. She was independent up until the time of her accident. Out on a walk with her dog Princess when something happened. She claims a stray dog from the neighborhood knocked her down. My dad, at the time, had doubts with her story. Whether she thought it was true was irrelevant. He thinks she tripped over her own dog or maybe even feel off the curb. Regardless she was out walking her dog; something my father could never do (even if we had a dog) in his current state of mind.

Pops is bad though. His Brother Lyle has no idea really whats going on. He knows dad is slipping but the last time he visited, September I believe, dad was in a different state of mind. Not entirely but able to visit and have a semi lucid conversation with her brother. I called Helen, my aunt after their last visit with dad just to see what she thought. She said she thinks he was confused as to who they were at times during the visit. Somethings thinking they were the parents of people he grew up with in Colorado Springs. Then he would ask about Tim and Dale (their two boys) like he knew exactly who they were. That's the way this things goes, they will get some facts right but mix them up in the same sentence or same thought with is totally in left field. Crazy. Lyle has Parkinson's disease. it was only diagnosed within the last six month and but I think he's rapidly having difficulties. I can hear it in his voice.

I quizzed him on the way home from daycare today. The simple questions how old are you? Whats you birthday? How old are your kids, Mike and Jeff? What was the name of your wife? What was the name of your employer? It was interesting what he got right and what he got wrong. According to him he's around 57 years old. He knows he wife is Donna but thinks they were married around 6 years. Mike and Jeff of 9 to 11 years old; sometimes their the same age sometimes their different age. It depends on the date. (that's what he said). Had no clue who he worked for. He named a few companies I never heard of. He worked for the Willard-Brent company for 30+ years and didn't mention that one. He's slipping away.

I got him into a different daycare provider after his current one changed things up on me today. I walk in today and was met at the the door by one of the administrators telling me because of the ownership change he had to get new forms from his doctor. They faxed them to his doctor over the weekend. They hadn't received anything back as of this morning and if they don't by this afternoon he can't come back tomorrow. Gee thanks for the heads up! Its amazing to me how people in the "business" can be so clueless as to the difficulties of caring for someone while trying to deal with the rest of life. By the time I got there in the afternoon they informed me that they did in fact receive his information from his doctor BUT the rate starting tomorrow is 40% more AND I have to pay a month in advance. SEE YA! Rat Bastards.

Mustard Mustashe

I catch the old man drinking out of the orange juice carton. Come on man! When you caught me doing that when I was a kid you cut me balls off! He's been quite off today. Not quite sure who the hell I am. Am I Mike? Am I Sir? Anything but Jeff. When I tell him my name he asks if I know "his Jeff" little Jeff, his son. Criminy.

I'm working home today so I make sure to go downstairs just to be sure he's not doing anything "unusual". You know unusual for him leaves a lot of headroom. The latest trip downstairs finds him in his usual position; in front of the open refrigerator. Wholly crap! this time its not the Orange Juice container pursed lips but the open mustard jar. What the hell are you doin' man?!? SORRY! he exclaims puts the lid back on and closes the refrigerator. There's my crazy pops standing there with a Mustard Mustache.

Wada weekend

I'm exhausted mentally and physically. Its been a tough weekend. Pops started, how do I say this delicately, ah ... having the runs? (I guess that works) last Friday. What a mess, lucky for me I still have some adult diapers around from an earlier time when I thought those might just best suit him. They ended up on suiting him before because it wasn't a control issue, it was more a location issue. Meaning he just didn't mess himself without thought, it was more along the lines of, I'd just rather pee in the hallway.

For this weekend it was ah. oppps I crapped my pants time. Well, in all honesty, I don't think he realized he crapped his pants; just that his seat was getting hot. I don't know how many we went through but more than I would care to really thing about. I started noticing today those that his mind was much less clear (if that is at all possible) then before. He has been picking things up that don't exist. I mean I watch him from across the room and he make the gesture that he is picking something off the floor and he carries it in his and and trys to set it down but in reality there is nothing there. Its the damnedest thing to watch. He'll come over and say, "what do you want me to do with this" and there's nothing there. What da say? I just pretend to take it from him. Someone told him that if dementia sufferers get dehydrated that it can become worse and I was witnessing that. So we made a trip to the store to get him some Pedialyte. By late Sunday I was seeing some improvement. But I'm totally spent.

Tomorrow I have to get everything ready for my trip to Seattle. That includes mostly getting him prepared to stay in Respite. I haven't and will not tell him I'm going and where he's staying, there really isn't a point. I am not going to worry while I'm gone I have total turn in the organization I'm leaving him with.

Never again

I going to have figure out something new. The day care I now take Pops to has changed their hours and are open now only until 2:00 in the afternoon. How is that servicing their customers I have no idea, but it is what it is. I have been "dealing" with that to the best of my ability and thank god I have a flexible job other wise I'd be screwed.

Well today was a different issue, today I had to meet with my bosses boss in downtown San Diego. The meeting was set up between 10:00 am and noon. After map questing the directions I see that it takes 1:50 to get there from this daycare place. Of course those directions and time do not account for traffic at all. After much thought I decided I had to leave Pops home for the day. I knew that when I returned he would be a mental basket case with all sorts of stories about imaginary business meetings and clients stopping by the office that he had to deal with, but I had no other alternative and I could deal with the stories.

While sitting in the meeting I get a call on my cell phone which I do not answer of course. But when the meeting convened at noon and I got down to my car I check the Blackberry and its a message from my ex trying me to call my neighbor as there is an emergency with my dad. OH CRAP, WHAT HAS HE GOT HIMSELF INTO. I get a hold of her pretty quickly to find that My Crazy Pop has locked himself into my car sitting in the driveway. My neighbors are taking to get him to unlock the door but he cant figure out how. After thinking for a few seconds I remember I have the keys in my bedroom and instruct my neighbor where to find them. Well within a few minutes he's out of the car and back in the house. Thank good for good neighbors.

I wonder though how did they ever notice that he was sitting in the car? When I get to the house I ask that question and as it turns out the Orkin man just so happened to spray my house today. He sprays only once every two months and today just happened to be his day. The Orkin man noticed my dad and went and got the neighbors.

Well never again will i even chance at leaving this old codger home even for a few minutes much less a couple hours. I thought whats the worse that can happen. This case is definitely not the worse and I don't want to find out.

Whew!

I'm heading to Seattle for a few days on business. I got well advance notice of this trip and immediately wondered what I was going to do with Pops. There's is absolutely now way he would survive the four days while I was gone. Having my Brother and his wife take him isn't an option as they both work full time and having him in a relatively unfamiliar home wouldn't work.

In comes respite care! Its all arranged now but what an ordeal (sort of). I first had to get his doctor to complete a health care questionnaire. Anyone that was had to get a doctor or his office staff of complete paperwork and probably atest to the fact that, THEY DON'T LIKE TO DO IT. But then again who does. Luckily Pops had a check up last month, three weeks after I faxed the forms for them to complete. I showed up for the appointment with a second copy vowing not to leave without it being completed. As I anticipated the forms were sitting in his file not completed but we filled them out right there on the spot. Then came the interview, they have to evaluate dads condition. Pops wasn't thrilled going there, even though he had no idea where he was going; and the questions that he couldn't answer like, "whats your age" and "do you know what city you're in" just added to his annoyance. Finally yesterday I had an orientation which lasted an hour with more paperwork to complete.

I'm just happy now that I have a place for him to go and that I don't have to worry while I'm gone. I am so looking forward to the trip now even though it's work related. I've been taking company trips for years, in the beginning I looked forward to them, then just tolerated them. Now it'll be almost like a vacation!